Self doubt or random vent….
There are times when I am filled with so much self doubt in who I am.. what I am doing.. and even more important why? Why do I feel this way..
Maybe it is the way the fates have lined up.. maybe it is hormonal… maybe I am feeling guilty about something deep in my mind.. maybe I am just nuts! More then likely it is all of the above.
All I know is that I have these periods of time, normally once every couple of months, where I feel I can do nothing right, everyone hates me and they are all out to get me. It seems at these times everything just seems to fall into place… people just stop talking to me, no one is ever around that wants to talk and in my mind of course they are avoiding me for what ever reason.
Now I know people have lives and other obligations and were not put here on this earth to be my entertainment. Although they are just that at times.
It seems when these mood spells start I go into my pity party mode and just get grouchy.. and very emotional. Why did it take you 4 hours to answer my e-mail.. or worst yet not answer it at all.. oh the thoughts that go through my mind. What did I do or didn’t do.
I know there are people at work who do not like me, and think I am lazy.. truth is we all are lazy at times, but I don’t start out that way.. Depending one the night and who is there depends on what I am gonna be doing. I never mind helping do trash, clean belts, or zoning.. I don’t.. And there are some nights I do all of the above. I do however HATE sweeping and tend to try and find ways out of it if I can. But on nights when we have more cashiers then needed, I tend to get pulled to do other things.. like freight, covering lunches and breaks.. and even being sent out to help in other departments. I know this makes some people mad. But just because I am not always doing what you are does not mean I do not work. It is all work just different types. But I am working.. You would be shocked at how bent out of shape and rude your coworkers can get. You know they are mad at you when the shut up every time you walk near. I don’t get it.
I know it is unrealistic to think everyone is gonna want to be friends with me. I am a grown up and I understand that. But it sure does not help settle things in my mind when stuff like this happens.. It also makes me doubt myself.. maybe I am lazy.. maybe I do not do enough at least in their eyes. When I get like this I just want to crawl in a hole and wait for the whole thing to pass.
So if right now anyone thinks I am not doing my part in life, work, home and so forth then maybe you are right. However maybe just maybe you have your own issues and need to stand back and think about the times when you don’t wanna do something for whatever reason and we are there to pick up the slack. Don’t hate on me for doing what is asked of me, even if it is not what you are doing.
One thing I know for sure this too shall pass as it always dose and soon I will be back to being my old self and the old self really does not care what others think..
I do need to put this out there.. this weekend has been rather hard for me.. as I have just not felt really good and to be honest the last place I wanted to be was work. I did however go to work and tho I did not do most of the normal stuff I do I did work and kept myself busy. I was very moody and not fun to be around and I am sorry for that.. honest.. But rest assured there are gonna be times when you too are not feeling well and if you so choose to come in we will be there to help pull you through and tow the line. I just hope that I am more understanding towards your plight then some of you were to mine…
Ok my pity party is over so I will pull up my big girl panties and move on.. And to those who question the way I jump all over the place.. well it works like my mind! I tend to jump from thing to thing and it works for me… after all the title of this blog is “Ramblings of a mad women” nuff said!